| How to Think rather than React during conflict | | | | out of reactive mode ourselves. In other words, if we |
| How many of your New Year's resolutions are still on | | | | are angry, we can forget about trying to manage the |
| course? Some I hope. Here is one to add to your list | | | | conflict, we will only make matters worse. Most |
| that could have a profound impact on your most | | | | conflicts would benefit from a momentary cooling off |
| important relationships. Give it a go! | | | | period before launching into an 'attack'. If a colleague, |
| Think of the last conflict you have been involved in, in | | | | partner, teenager, customer or friend has upset you, |
| December, or during the festive period perhaps? | | | | take a moment to deal with your anger. Step back, |
| Come on, be honest! During the conflict, were you | | | | take a deep breath, count to 5, or talk yourself down |
| using words and a tone of voice that encouraged the | | | | ("I can choose a different way to respond"). These |
| other person to think, or to react? Let me guess, there | | | | strategies help deal with our adrenalin rush, which |
| wasn't a lot of clear thinking going on but probably a lot | | | | kick-starts our 'reactive' mode. |
| of reacting. The reason behind this is that when we | | | | You might be thinking that keeping calm is not as |
| are blocked from getting what we want we tend to | | | | effective as getting stuck in, showing people how |
| try to cause others to react as a way of manipulating | | | | angry you are, and getting them to do something. I |
| them. We learn this approach at a very young age | | | | agree there may be times when showing anger in this |
| (babies don't scream and cry for nothing). This | | | | way is appropriate. However, most of the time |
| strategy works well sometimes but if it is our default | | | | behaving in this way is more about how we learn |
| means of handling conflict, relationships will suffer. | | | | habitually to deal with conflict and letting off steam. |
| What is your way of getting others to react? Is it by | | | | Stay in a thinking rather than reactive mode so you |
| using sarcasm, criticism, patronising, accusing, belittling, | | | | can explain your feelings and needs better. More |
| undermining, or 'playing the victim'? More importantly, | | | | importantly your 'opponent' will be better able to 'hear' |
| how do you deliver your 'message' - shouting, the silent | | | | what you are saying (because you have not caused |
| treatment, irritating tone of voice, or aggressive body | | | | them to react) and therefore act upon it (better |
| language? Whatever message you choose the | | | | outcomes). |
| question to ask is: is my approach causing the other | | | | The flipside of this approach is that it requires a great |
| person to react or rather to think? The answer is | | | | deal of clarity (particularly with teenagers!). You will |
| usually very obvious. If you are encouraging others to | | | | need to explain clearly what you want and why you |
| think they are not shouting back, being defensive, | | | | want it, with some 'consequences' if need be. |
| walking away, being moody, or 'kicking the cat' (or dog | | | | Put this approach on your New Year's list. It's very |
| if you prefer). If any of these are the reactions you | | | | rewarding and keeps you in control in more ways than |
| normally get, read on... | | | | one. |
| To avoid causing others to react we first need to get | | | | |